Sketsa Kecil

I just met him no more than a year ago. Never crossed my mind at that time that I am going to be so close to him.

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He might looks cold from outside, unreachable, has unspeakable plans which sometimes seems hard to understand but what lies beneath are so much different.

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He doesn’t mind bringing some food for dinner for his family, he even buys snacks for them almost every night. Those were the first things I learnt about him and I already put respect for him because of those two simple things that others might thought as nothing. For me, it is not merely nothing. It is a reflection of responsibility, a life value I expect the most from a man.

I remember a nice quote from William Wordsworth: ‘the best portion of a good man’s life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.’

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He was so much different with ‘someone who gave half my blood’. He rarely speaks, but every member of his family listens to him when he does. He is rarely in rage. He never throw things or yell when he is in one. He kept his in silence yet we already know what he means. I feel emotionally secure with him.

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He doesn’t mind picking me up at the hospital at night or in rain. He often drops me to the hospital in the morning. He doesn’t mind carrying my stuff, helping me arranging my farewell party, and he is willing to ask about my difficulties dealing with people in the convent. I feel physically secure with him.

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Time goes by and I am getting to know him a little deeper. I rarely find him at home at daytime, even when he is working on night shift, but it’s because he is doing his side job. He literally tears his physic for his family and he is so humble about it. He never brags and he never underestimates people who tears their body while working. He appreciates the spirit. He sees people deeper, not in a shallow way I usually do.

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He does everything for his family. He works under the sun and so his skin goes darker. Opung who hasn’t seen him for 8 years said to him like this, “I remember you, but you are a lot darker now.” Some people might value lighter skin more, but I value his dark skin more than anything. I almost shed my tears when Opung said so, yet I felt so proud for I thought it was a moment of compliment. His dark skin is a reflection of hard work, a precious life value that I put respect for.

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He observes people… that is one thing I learnt about him when he accompanied me on my trip to go back to Jakarta for good about 3 days ago. Others might thought he doesn’t care for his nephews who lives near him, but actually he’s watching them invisibly. He speaks when he thought their actions were out of line. When we were having dinner in a near-midnight after visiting his sister-in-law, he commented on some customers around us. He told me that people on our left is probably from military background, that the woman on our 11 o’clock doesn’t stop talking on her cell phone from the beginning until she left the restaurant, and so on. So then I know that he observes people in his silence… and I thought he does me too.

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He respects people… I really should learn this value from him. He knows the truth about my relationship with ‘someone who gave half my blood’s family. But when we went there, he even kissed my grandma’s hand. It was such an unexpected act! Later when I asked him what his reasons were, he said it’s simply an act of respect. And suddenly I was so ashamed of myself for being reluctant to respect others.

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My mom asked me yesterday, if he ever asked about my father.

Then I said, he already knows.

What did you tell him? – my mom asked.

I said, I told him as it is.

She was a little shocked, ‘As it is? So I guess he didn’t respect me anymore, did he?’

I asked her why she thought so.

“Because of what I have done.”

Then I assured her, “Of all the people I know, he’s one of the wisest. I’m sure he sees thing deeper, not only on the surface. He sees the reasons, not just the actions.”

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I haven’t known him much, but so far, all I can say is I adore him. I wish ‘someone who gave half my blood’ has half the quality he has.. only half would be enough to make my family live happily, although now we are also happy on ourselves.

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Actually I kinda envy his family. They are so lucky to have a father figure like him. And I think, I am lucky too… at least I’m lucky to know him this far, to share some of his life experiences, and to share his precious life values I should also have myself. I am grateful for ever knowing such a great person like him, also thankful for his being so kind to me, and thankful for his willingness to ‘treat me like his own daughter’ just like he said to my mom without considering my family background.

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This article is a tribute to him… a great person with a gentle and loving soul inside.

Memasuki bulan ke-7 di tempat kerja gue, dengan sukses gue mendapat teguran dari suster lagi. Masalahnya sama, si mas.

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Katanya orang2 sini gak enak ngeliat si mas lama2 di rumah gue pada saat jam kerja (baca: jam 7-jam 14). Bahasa kasarnya, pada jam kerja mestinyalah gue bekerja dan bukan pacaran.

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Entah kenapa gue nggak terlalu kesel mendengar itu. Entah kenapa gue bisa bereaksi senyum sama suster instead of berusaha melawan statement yang nggak masuk akal itu.

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Logikanya, dari pagi sampe jam 12-an, kerja gue emang gak terlalu banyak. Karena ada dr Herli yang stand by di poliklinik. Gue hanya dipanggil klo tiba2 ada kasus emergency di UGD atau dr Herli minta gue melakukan minor surgery, atau dr Herli minta gue bacain ECG pasiennya, intinya… gue jadi orang kedua. Mereka yang bisa ngomong bhw di jam kerja gue mlh di rumah sama Mas Ressa pastinya orang bodoh yang nggak tau jam kerja dan cara kerja gue. Pastinya mereka gak tau bahwa gue bekerja on call artinya berdasarkan panggilan. Pastinya juga mereka gak tau bhw gue mulai sering dipanggil setelah dr Herli pulang, jam 12. Dan pastinya mereka juga gak tau bahwa mereka itu tertidur lelap di saat gue on call tengah malem. Nggak ada habisnya ngomongin orang2 itu dan pikiran bodoh mereka. Dan entah kenapa, suster pun mendengarkan omongan itu. Seharusnya mereka dieducate dong, bhw jam kerja gue memang begini. Dan bahwa gue bukan anak asrama yang sekarang nggak boleh menerima tamu di asrama kecuali sabtu dan minggu; yang harus lapor suster setiap mereka mau ke luar asrama walaupun hanya untuk beli pembalut di warung; yang setiap mau pergi harus nulis di buku pergi dan merinci mereka mau pergi ke mana, sama siapa, pulang jam berapa, dan kalo udah pulang pun msti lapor suster lagi. Mereka harus tahu bahwa gue bukan anak asrama dan gue MENOLAK diperlakukan sama dengan anak asrama. Gue menghormati peraturan biara, tapi gue tegas menolak aturan2 asrama yang menurut gue gak jauh beda sama peraturan penjara dan merupakan pembodohan anak2 asrama. Gue gak tau apa anak asrama sedemikian binal sehingga dikasih peraturan yg amat mengekang, atau emg susternya aja yang demikian ketakutan sama pergaulan masa kini.

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Gue cuma senyum aja mendengar suster mengajukan protes masalah si Mas. Sama sekali gue nggak melontarkan pembenaran untuk diri gue atau berusaha menegaskan bahwa gue bukan anak asrama. Suster sendiri bilang bhw dia mengerti bhw keberadaan si mas di rumah gue sama sekali nggak mengganggu pekerjaan gue, bahwa gue tetap dengan cepat datang saat gue dipanggil, tapi memang bukan pekerjaan gue yang dipermasalahkan… masalah ada pada omongan orang2 di sini.

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Gue hanya tersenyum ketika suster bilang orang2 sini tidak bisa disamakan dengan Jakarta, bahwa di sini adalah daerah dusun yang orang2nya saling peduli dan gak cuek2 kaya di kota besar. Gue cuma tersenyum karena setidaknya di teguran kedua ini, suster2 udah sadar bahwa pikiran orang2 itu adalah pikiran bodoh dan tidak masuk akal (toh suster mengakui bhw pekerjaan gue sebagai dokter tidak terganggu oleh kehadiran mas)… dan yang lebih membuat gue tersenyum adalah kenyataan bahwa suster mengikuti pikiran2 orang bodoh itu semakin membuktikan bahwa suster2 itu sendiri adalah orang2 yang LEBIH bodoh dan tidak masuk akal.

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Menanggapi ini, nyokap gue bilang bhw menurut kakak gue, sebaiknya gue kontrak aja rumah di luar RS. Setidaknya gue punya kebebasan untuk menjadi diri gue dan nggak mesti unggah ungguh gak kepuguhan sama suster. Tapi menurut gue itu bukan jawaban. Menurut nyokap gue, sebaiknya gue tetap bertahan di rumah ini dan tetap berlaku sopan sama suster2. Well, I’m doing it all this time, mom. Tentang ramah tamah dengan suster, tentu udah gue kurangi krn sejujurnya gue muak melihat mereka. Mereka dan kerudungnya yang menurut gue semakin menegaskan kehipokritan mereka. Dan akhirnya nyokap gue tanya, kapankah kontrak gue berakhir? Tenang bu, kontrak berakhir bulan Feb. Awal Maret, gue pasti sudah ada di Jakarta dan menikmati hidup!

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Gue pun jadi kaku untuk berinteraksi dengan anak asrama karena gue gak tau siapa sebenarnya yang merasa iri dengan gue dan kebebasan yang gue punya. Gue males berinteraksi dengan mereka yang senyum2 di depan gue tapi menikam dari belakang.

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Kynya teguran dari suster dateng dalam siklus 3 bulanan. Well itu artinya masih ada 2 siklus lagi yang harus gue jalani, dan apa itu artinya gue akan dapet 2 teguran lagi? Wihiii…. entah kenapa gue menikmati status gue sebagai anak nakal dan pembangkang di sini.

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Satu hal yang gue pelajari di sini, gue belajar menikmati hari2 gue. Gue belajar melihat ke depan saat gue udah di Jakarta, pastinya gue akan rindu dengan hari2 gue di sini, hari2 yang gue spend dengan orang2 hipokrit dan mau menang sendiri, hari2 yang bisa gue spend sama2 si mas. Kapan lagi slip gaji gue dibuat salah2 kalo nggak di sini? Kerja di RS2 di Jakarta, tentunya gue akan diperlakukan jauh lebih profesional. Yah hidup itu ada masa enak dan masa nggak enak. Tentunya di masa2 enak, kita bakal merindukan struggling di masa nggak enak. So, I’m trying to enjoy my time here, sebelum akhirnya balik ke Jakarta dan menemukan tantangan lainnya.

“Say, vesikel di mukaku banyak ya?” *sambil garuk2 muka, tangan, badan, kaki*

He stared at my face then looked at me and said, “I love you still.”

Selamat 4 bulan ya sayang.. I love you too

For the last one week, I was so tortured with these vesicles all over my body called varicella. High fever, no appetite, and nausea completed this nightmare.

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Untung ada bu Tanti yang rela nganter makanan, karena ngerti bahwa makanan asrama yang dalam keadaan nafsu makan biasa udah terletak di baseline rasa enak, dan dalam keadaan gak nafsu makan, maka tergolong GAK ENAK! Mau juga ambilin baju kotor gue yg numpuk krn gue gak kuat nyuci. Mau nganter salep dan obat2 yang lupa gue ambil di apotik. Mau ngolesin salep di punggung gue.

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Untung juga ada Mas Ressa yang mau dateng ke rumah tiap hari, bersihin rumah, nyapu, ngepel, nyuci piring, beresin dapur, beresin lemari makan, nyiapin makanan gue, angkatin galon aqua, nyiapin obat gue, beliin supermi klo2 gue laper tengah malem, mau gue tinggal tidur selama dia di rumah, dan mau gue bangunin cuma buat dengerin gue ngeluh demam dan gatel, mau nanggepin gue pas gue lg rewel, nyiapin makan bondi, mandiin bondi, dan make sure everything is all right sebelum ninggalin gue buat kerja.

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Untung juga ada Mbok De yang dengan baiknya nawarin nyuci baju2 kotor gue 2 hari terakhir ini. Ada juga anak2 asrama yang puasa dan ngebagi gue makanan buka puasa buatan mereka… walopun gak semuanya bisa masuk ke mulut gue.

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Kena varicella udah nggak enak banget, rasanya gue hampir menyerah untuk diinfus dan didrip valium dan antrain. Secara gue udah hampir kecanduan sama valium tablet selama sakit. Rasanya sendirian banget, gak punya sapa2, gue pengen pulang ke Jakarta, tinggal di rumah gue sendiri, diurusin sama nyokap gue di mana gue gak harus beresin rumah, makanan pasti tersedia dan pasti enak, gak harus nyuci baju kotor sendiri, dan pasti selalu ada orang di samping gue. Tapi apa jadinya orang sepesawat? Jadi wabah varicella? Nyokap gue pun udah hampir beli tiket buat ke sini.. tapi kasian juga dia msti menempuh perjalanan panjang cuma buat gue repotin.

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Ternyata di tengah kesulitan gue, gue dikasih kemudahan2 dan orang2 yang begitu care. Makasih ya semuanya…

Finally I’m going home.. I haven’t gone home for the last two months and my head was so full it could explode. Simple problems and small frictions with people around in Baturaja had succeeded to trigger my emotion. I responsed so bluntly to many things, although when my mind was already under control, I realized that those problems could be solved with a more cold-headed way.

So here I am now.. in the airport lounge, waiting for the plane that’s going to take me home to Jakarta. I can’t wait to see my mom, my bestfriend Ami, to attend cardiovascular symposium at Borobudur, to see Bu Irene&Beth at Perdhaki (goodness.. I hope our meeting brings something good for the nurses at Baturaja! And Beth, I sooo much can’t wait to see you!!! God knows what would happen if I bring mas Ressa to you and you bring those ‘men in white’ to me huahahaha..), to attend farewell party with my Sapi (baca:Prama) who’s going to London, to go to Bandung with mas Ressa and mom, and to eat a damn lot of delicious food which has been waiting for me to eat them all this time!

Yesterday was my birthday. And I did merely nothing but working. Lately, my night shift was more like a torture than work.

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My night shift began at June 22. That afternoon, the emergency room was quite hectic Patients kept coming from 2 pm until about 11 pm. I hardly stopped. I only went home for a short dinner and taking a bath, and the rest of the time, I was on the ER. I was so tired, so I straigtly fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow at the doctor’s lounge at 11 pm.

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Then the internal phone rang at 1.30 pm, a nurse said “New patient at ER.” Arggh..

In the ER, I saw Romy, one of mas Ressa’ staff. He was accompanying a girl lying on the ER bed, complaining migraine. I was so serious handling her for I thought she must be one of mas’ staff. Then, there he was… coming to the ER with a cake on his hands with 5 or 6 of his staff behind him. I was so speechless and only stood still while my mind was still on this patient. Then I realized this girl was one of the trick!

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I was sooooooo happy!! We sang ‘happy birthday’ slowly on the ER and I blew the candles. I never had a surprise party before. He also brought some food for all the nurses and securities who’s working on night shift that day. (Thanks a lot dear.. You really brightened up my day.)

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But the surprise party last no more than 10 minutes. Then the security came, opened the ER door, and said two words I really hated that time….. “New patient”. Aaaarrrgghhh!! Patients kept coming afterwards and I went back to the doctor’s lounge to sleep at 3 pm.

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The next day, I still worked at the ER. In the morning, it was no hectic at all. But then at 2 pm, there was a patient came with 10 cm vulnus laceratum on his parietal region because a tree fell to his head. We still find leaves and branches surrounded by blood clot in his vulnus. The hecting only took 15 minutes, I guess… but cleaning his head while trying to find the real vulnus and distinguish it from blood clot took more than 1 hour!

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Since then, the ER was hectic again! I hardly stopped and only went home for my daily routines, dinner and bath. Patients kept coming again and another accident happened with open os lateral malleolus fracture. The vulnus was only 1 cm length, but the blood was pulsatile. The fractured bone has ruptured his posterior tibialis artery. I did hecting but unfortunately my hecting FAILED to stop the bleeding! The blood kept coming, but the flow was slower… Aarghh!! I was so stressed out and hardly able to think. I slept at 2 pm that night. The nurse woke me up again at 5.30 because there was a………NEW PATIENT on the ER! After that, I went home and sleep till 9 am. I went to visit my patients in wards at 11 am. What an achievement, since I usually visit my patients at 8 am, at least no more than 9 am!

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There are so many ways to celebrate birthday, and I never thought that spending it with a hell lot of ER patients was one of the options. BUT, I surely wouldn’t choose that option again to celebrate my next!

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Big thanks to my dearest Ami (yang nggak ngerti versi bahasa inggris, jadi gue tulis complimentnya dlm bhs indonesia aja).. untuk rela ngantuk2 nelpon gue jam 12 lewat dikit, walaupun udah keduluan orang lain hehe.. Tapi gue hargai usaha lo cuy.. Dan thanks untuk unforgettable presentnya.. Thanks banget ya Miiiii……:)

(Selamat Mi, dengan ini Anda telah dinyatakan eksis hihihihi)

"So I heard that there’s a heart beat there," he said pointing to his wrist.

"Yes, there is." I almost pointed to where the radial artery lies.

"Ah, that’s why my watch keeps loosening." he said while fastening his watch calmly.

Then he smiled.. and so did I.

I meet a very interesting family here. The mother is one of senior nurses in the hospital where I work. She was so nice ever since I came here. When my family visited me on Easter, we came to her house and there we met her husband and chatted for a while.

Last Sunday, I came to their house and the mother cooked a very delicious dish. After lunch, we sat in the living room with the father, the mother, their son and daughter. We had a nice conversation that afternoon. They really made me feel at home here. God knows how I love being accepted in a family.

I really want to tell her son how lucky he is to have such a family. Warm and loving.. the one I wish I had and I will have one day.

Here I am, finally at Baturaja.
Perjalanan Jakarta-Palembang bahkan beberapa menit lebih cepat daripada Cengkareng-Kelapa Gading. Tapi Palembang-Baturaja took 4 hours and it feels sooo long!

In general, I’m so glad to be here and knowing that I’m surrounded with many friends and people who love me so much in Jakarta. My last dinner with my very best friend gave me a new spirit. She loves me so much that we can have a good time only by talking about our own life. She and her problems at the office… And me with my problems with some people. It felt like I know her friends in person while actually I never even met them. We listen to each other… and that’s why we can catch up for something we barely know. She knows me very well. I could tell her I have some troubles in my mind by only looking at her. No words could describe how thankful I am for our friendship..
I already put your gift in my working room here.. with your card also!

Many people questioned me for my decision to work here. Far from my mother who needs me very much, far from my friends, far from everything I have, far from my comfortable zone! Some of them might judge me that I don’t care for my mom because I’m leaving her alone. My grandma even asked me, what is it that you’re looking for? I answered her with babbling, putting all reasons that crossed my mind at one time. She was confused with my answer I guess… for I did confused myself! Actually I don’t know what the exact answer is. All I know is that this is what I want. This is exactly what I wanted since I decided to be a doctor years ago. My mom knew this, and that’s why she let me go. She was burdened with this decision, I know.. she didn’t show it to me, but I know. She let me do what I want because she knows that I’ll be restless if she didn’t.

It’s not that I don’t want to be on my mother’s side and take care of her. It’s not that I want to leave her living alone. She knows I didn’t decide this for those reasons. She knows I love her a lot and leaving her is also a burden for me. She knows that I always imagine my future with her in it. But this is my call and she understands.

Some questions then rise. What if she get sick at night, her vertigo attack, or her stomach ache, or her tinnitus strike, or her neck hurts, or her joint swells, or whatever… I think it’s about time for my brother to take over my position. This is a good time for him to catch up with her.

See? This calling might bring something good for my family whom I love so much too..

Hwaaa farewell dinner gue sangat menyenangkan kemarin di Red Bean! Ada Astrid dan Titin (temen SD gue), Ami dan Topik (temen SMA), Elen, Farid, Dicky, Melda, dan Tinus (temen FK), dan Putik (temen di tempat kerja).

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Nggak nyangka juga orang2 yang gak saling kenal dan beda lingkungan bisa jadi akrab dan mingle. Mungkin Astrid dan Titin yang agak kaget ngeliat kelakuan anak2 FK yang ancur2 dengan becandaan yang kacau! Maklum deh, gue ini cuma kena imbas mereka. Mereka yang mempengaruhi gue lho! Apalagi mendengar kalo Farid mau jadi SpOG, oh goodness.. apa jadinya perempuan Indonesia kalo ada di tangan lo Rid? Hmm.. tentunya proses melahirkan jadi terakselerasi dengan sendirinya ya hahaha… Lumayanlah irit oksitosin buat induksi!

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Sebenernya di meja lain ada Pak Anwar yang gak lain adalah dosen fisika waktu kita tingkat I.
"Rid, lo aja yang negur. Gue gak mau ah."
"Elo aja Min!" kata Farid
"Ah Fisika gue her! Ntar gue disuruh her lagi!"
"Min, gue her juga!!"
Yah akhirnya nggak ada yang cukup berani negur Pak Anwar hihihi..

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Gue, Ami, Putik, lanjutin nonton di XXI. Sementara Elen udah gelisah aja nungguin si teman laki-lakinya lewat hihihi… Gimana nggak gelisah? Lha wong dia nunggu di depan sementara Farid, Dicky, dan Tinus pada baris di belakangnya dan pada mau ngeliat si oknum itu. Santai Len… we meant no harm! Hehehe..

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Makasih ya teman2..
Cun, tentang elo mah gue nggak usah komentar..
Topik, asli gue seneng banget lho lo dateng, abis biasanya kan lo suka sok sibuk dan nyebelin gitu. Pik, masa Ami iri kita cipikacipiki.. I think she might want some too Kan kita udh kaya sodara ya Pik, jadi gapapa kan ya.. hehe *membela diri*
Len, thanks untuk kartunya dan curhat2 colongan yang lo tulis di dalamnya. Biarpun gue jauh, I still want your progress report ya..
Rid, thanks untuk tetep dateng walopun abis jaga dari Mahakam. Gue tau itu jauh Rid, tapi gapapalah biar lo kurus hihi.. Tapi kok waiternya selalu ngasih makanannya ke elo dulu ya? Hhh…. lo tau gak si Ami protes ma gue katanya dia masih laper gara2 lo.. hihihi. *Mi, marahnya ke dia dong, jgn ke gue*
Dicky, mestinya kita sempetin ngiter berdua nyari minuman2 yang bisa bikin gue keluar lift di lantai 12 instead of 20 ya hihihi… Tenang Dik, gue nggak akan ngancurin biara itu kok
Tinus, thanks ya udah dateng on time.. I’m so glad you did. Good luck ya Nus, untuk apapun dan siapapun
Melda, walopun kita semua ragu lo udah mandi atau belum hihihi.. tapi ya kita menghargai kok usaha lo untuk dateng hehehe.. walopun pertanyaan lo ttg teman hidup dan si Jerman itu cukup bikin gue kaget. Rese lo!! Hhhh!!!
Astrid dan Titin.. wah bakalan lengkap ya kalo ada Alice, tapi kok yang ada malah si Alice Jr ya alias si Pia hehe.. Bokapnya amazed gitu kaget ngeliat kita ber3 nyamperin meja dia hihi..
Putik.. kapan2 main ke rumah gue lagi ya, tapi next time we can change our conversation topic

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Sebenarnya sore itu gue dapet berita yang kurang mengenakkan dari salah satu teman gue. Hmm… cukup membuat gue berpikir bahwa gue udah melakukan kebodohan selama beberapa minggu belakangan ini. Untungnya ada elo Mi yang rela begadang sampe jam 4 pagi demi nulis email untuk mengembalikan kewarasan gue.  And thank God it worked! Kita liat aja Mi, siapa yang dirugikan dalam kasus ini!! …. definitely not me dong!